What becoming a parent to a transgender child taught me about inclusion

What becoming a parent to a transgender child taught me about inclusion

A parent’s perspective

Twelve years ago, I found myself trying to understand something I knew very little about.

My eldest child, who was born male, transitioned to female at around 14. At the time, I didn’t really understand what that meant. I felt confused about what it was, what would change, and what it would mean for her future.

Like most parents faced with something unfamiliar, I tried to learn. I read as much as I could, spoke to other parents online, and looked for support. There wasn’t much available. Even our GP had no real information or experience to draw on, and the referral process took time. When we were eventually seen, it didn’t feel particularly supportive. It felt more like something we had to prove than something we were being guided through.

Learning, listening and understanding

It was a challenging time.

After the initial confusion, I went through what I can only describe as a grieving process. This wasn’t grief for my child, but for the future I had imagined. As parents, we naturally build a picture of what our children’s lives might look like. When that picture changes, there is an adjustment that takes time to process.

Over time, that shifted into acceptance and, more importantly, complete and unconditional love. I could not possibly love my daughter any more than I do.

That doesn’t mean I got everything right. Far from it. There were moments where I misgendered her, said the wrong thing, or caused upset without meaning to. None of it came from a lack of support or effort, but from a lack of understanding at the time. That was hard to sit with. The guilt of knowing you have hurt your child, even unintentionally, stays with you.

What I learned quickly is that supporting someone doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being willing to listen, to learn, and to take responsibility when you get it wrong.

Alongside that love is an awareness that life for her is more difficult. She faces judgement from people who don’t understand and assumptions from those who believe it is a choice. There is also the more subtle layer of unconscious bias from people who believe they are being supportive.

One of the things that has surprised me most is the type of questions people feel comfortable asking. They are often very personal and intrusive, particularly around medical procedures, as though that defines who she is. It doesn’t. Whether she has or hasn’t had any form of medical intervention has no bearing on who she is as a person. It is not something you would ask in other contexts, yet people seem to think it is acceptable here.

What inclusion means at work

In many cases, this comes from a lack of understanding rather than bad intent, but the impact is still significant.

What I have also learned is that inclusion does not look the same for everyone. My daughter does not want to be defined by being transgender or feel that she needs to be visible in a particular way. She simply wants to live her life as who she is, in the same way anyone else does.

From a workplace perspective, I have seen the impact more directly than I expected. My daughter now works from home, and I have no doubt that this is influenced by her experience. Her employer has been supportive, but being in environments where you feel different or potentially judged takes energy. It is something many people never have to think about.

For me, good inclusion is not about saying the right thing or having the right policies in place. It is about how people are made to feel day to day. It comes down to being curious while remaining respectful, asking questions without overstepping, and recognising that being transgender is only one part of who someone is.

My role as a parent has also changed. I no longer feel the need to fix or shape anything. My focus is on being there to support her, to listen when she needs it, and to give her the space to be herself while knowing she is loved, accepted and safe.

Pride Week means different things to different people. For some, it is a celebration. For others, it is about visibility. For some, it is simply about being able to exist as who they are without being questioned.

That, for me, is where real inclusion begins.

Hayley Whitmarsh
Business Manager, Employees Matter